I am sure you don't recall who I am but nonetheless please accept these best wishes for you on the wonderful occasion of your birth. May this year find you graced with the best of laughter, love and health.
1) Even if your boss is a douche bag it's probably not a good idea to actually say so in front of the company snitch.
2) When you make an illegal left U-turn after signalling right and hit the car behind you it is probably best not to lean over the other car's driver and say "Oh God I can't believe this is happening, AGAIN!"
This is particularly true if you are the driver that happened to hit me last summer.
3) When you are accused of sexual harrassment, even when the claim is found to be baseless and motivated solely by malice, more often than not people will still treat you as if you had actually done it. You never get your friends back, rather you never get them back the same way. Everything is tainted.
4) If your accused of being a snitch, even if later it comes to light that you are no such thing, see above. In fact it's worse than above because trust and honesty, particularly in the work setting of labor vs management, is so harder to quantify and reclaim.
5) When you still live with your ex and her new SO comes to visit it's probably a good idea to vacate the house because when you slip and call her She-man you really have no one but yourself to blame for the ensueing fight.
6) Asking a girl you started spending time with in a dating context for her mother's number is probably not the smartest idea you've ever had. Sadly this is still true even if you and the girl in question agree on the fact that there will never be more than friendship between you.
7) The heart wants what it wants. Sadly mine tends to want what it cannot have.
8) The sense of belonging, of purpose, that comes with being part of a family unit is a vital and life sustaining one. Family doesn't have to be blood. Family doesn't even have to have romantic conotations. Family doesn't have to include children.
Family just is. And I am not. I want to be. I need to be.
9) Possessive, irrational controlling bitches are in high demand. Being a nice, supportive, patient giving person means you don't get the time of day.
10) My continued existence on this planet is probably due more to my cat than any real desire to live on my part. Fuck resistance, existence is futile.
What have I done to deserve this. The Pet Shop Boys certainly had today's question down pat.
I really don't think that I would have ever moved to Mobile , Al. if it wasn't for Heidi. I like it here but now that our relationship is over why should I stay? What keeps me here? And more importantly, why the hell am I still living with her?
Sure money is probably the greatest issue, I can't afford to live anywhere else thanks to crushing student loan debt, but nothing is impossible and I am sure that I would manage.
Did I really deserve the way things ended with Heidi. Sure things are relatively cordial, the transition hasn't actually been that hard we have always been good friends. But she's the one who moved on emotionally months ago and never said anything. At least nothing concrete. Was it unreasonable of me to come away with the idea that our relationship was in trouble but still fixable when, in December, she casually dropped the idea that perhaps we weren't going to be together forever into a conversation, but then in February when I took her around to meet all my new co-workers and introed her to them as my wife she said nothing to correct me. I mean wouldn't it have been a good time to perhaps speak to me that evening and point out that in her mind we had broken up months before. Why was she talking about having a baby with me, why were we moving forward on that with my friend Michael (amongst others we were checking out). Why was she talking about where we would live when she went to graduate school in 2 or 3 years?
Why did she make me be the one to end things between us, to force me to name what was going on? Why does this always seem to happen to me, that I end up with women who don't have enough strength to do their own dirty work so to speak. I think if you want out of a relationship it should be up to you to do the breaking up, not the person you want to break up with. Is that to much to ask?
Committment: it means so many things to different people. To me committment means following through on something, a project, until the end, until completion. Committment means honesty and trust and empathy, even sympathy. Committment I made to Heidi when we exchanged our rings was total and complete for me. It meant that her goals were my goals as well. It meant that I would do whatever it took to help her accomplish those goals. It meant that if she was ill or if she was healthy I would be there. It meant that when she money and when she didn't that I would be there. It meant that I would share myself completely from the depths of my very being with her and revel in her sharing of herself with me.
Cartainly it meant that if things had changed for me, if my affections had turned towrds another that I would not act on it until free to do so. And being free to do so means leaving someone cleanly before starting up with a new lover. I have not always done this but as I have grown older I see the importance of doing so, the importance of showing this person that I supposedly love and care for the respect theey deserve. And it is about respect, not saying anything because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings is a cop out because in the end it shows little regard for the other persons feelings. I would rather not have had my feelings spared these last 9 months, I would rahter that Heidi had thought enough of me to be honest and brutal. That she had believed me capable of a strength she was not ascribing to me at all with her silence. I wish I didn't feel so disrespected right now.
I wish I couldn't recall in such wretched detail the last time we were intimate, the last time I tasted her skin and reveled in her scent. I wish I could forget, at least for a little while, that in the end she betrayed me.
SO yesterday was my birthday which would have been all well and good if it wasn't for the fact that I feel like I am fucking falling apart physically. Thank God it's only physically though given that I have more of a tendency to go to hell in a hand basket emotionally.
At any rate on Sunday I felt fine, nothing more than the usual aches and pains but when I woke up Monday morning I could barely stand from the pain in my left leg, which I can only attribute to a pinched sciatic nerve. So here I am on Wednesday and while it has gotten somewhat better, I can now lie down with a minimum of pain and eventually find a comfortable position from which to fall asleep, it continues to be especially painful to sit down for any length of time. This is a problem since all I do at work is sit in front of a computer bank and dispatch policemen all day.
I guess I am really more pissed about the fact that this has happened when it has. It's like my body is taunting me with all the physical ailments that go with age to some extent. And well I don't like it.
Things I want to do this year of life:
(1) Bowl a 125 average.
I anticipate that this will be harder than it used to be since after my stroke bowling has become harder for me to do well. My arm doesn't seem to be able to carry as much weight as it was did and my grip has definitely slackened. Also my legs, the right more than the left, get really tired easily and so it is pretty hard to get through the three games that are bowled on league night.
(2) Visit New York for 2 weeks.
Realistically I probably won't be able to go for more than a week but a girl can hope. And of course when I am in NYC I want to reconnect with old friends like Jennifer, Mark, Scott, Tommy all the people I used to hang out with in GLYNY.
(3) Get back into the habit of writing.
Okay so I really only write fanfic but I really enjoy it so why shouldn't I continue to do it. Well the horrid case of writer's block that I have been living with for the last 2-3 years might explain it quite a bit.
(4) Buy an IPod.
Hey everyone else has one so why shouldn't I. Also it will put me that much closer to actually getting a cell phone, something I have steadfastly refused to do since my ex-girlfriend cancelled our contract more than 2 years ago.
(5) Try to lose some weight.
This has less to do with body image and more to do with my health. The stroke scared me. Maybe not enough to make me completely stop smoking (I can easily give up cigarettes but weed has proven to be more difficult though in my defense on that issue I have only really fallen off the proverbial wagon less than a handful of times in the past year). I have however begun to eat a somewhat healthier diet than I have in ages. More grains, nuts and fruits and less pasta, bread and potatoes. I never really cooked with salt nor do I salt my food to often. I have discovered that I like grits too with just a hint of jelly in them or with melted cheese. Never thought I would care for them actually but my mother in law has managed to overcome my inate mistrust of them .
God knows there are other things but they are just not coming to my head right now. No doubt once I sign off my brain will refuse to shut off. Such is life.